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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.