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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.