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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!