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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.