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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.