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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.