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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.