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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Iām too young to be too old for everything.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.