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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
It`s funny how when you post a status and some people think it`s about them..Hahahaha it was.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*