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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds