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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.