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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
My house has really let itself go.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"