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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.