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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Velcro is a ripoff
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.