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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.