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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.