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A wise man once said nothing.
Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.