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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.