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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.