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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.