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You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
i don`t know what to say on your comment so i just hit "like" so you won`t be upset that ignored you.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.