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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?