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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.