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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.