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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.