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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.