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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Iām not stupid. Iām just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes