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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.