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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.