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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.