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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.