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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.