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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.