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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.