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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?