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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.