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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her