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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360