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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.