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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.