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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.