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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.