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Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.