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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Save time. See it my way.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
My brain has too many tabs open.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-