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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Iām not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window