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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.