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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.