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I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.