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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.