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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.