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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
This status has been censored by Facebook
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.