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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
A man is as faithful as his options
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.