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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.