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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!