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My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)
Iām so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.