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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.