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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Girls just wanna have funds.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.