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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."