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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.