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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.