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At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?