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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.